JT

i recently posted an album on facebook called "2013"
i posted nearly 90 pictures of only about half of the year. when i think back on this time last year and the time that has passed between then and now. it makes me feel happy.
2013 was a great year.
i know it's not over yet, but 2013 came with its share of superstition with the number 13 (okay, so it was no "y2k," but still).
and yet when i look back on it, i smile.

things i've grown unflinchingly confident in so far this year:
-there is no better mirror than another person
-love is indeed a divine, supernatural thing
-i want that divine love to fill my heart all the way up
-"the only thing that matters is just following your heart"
-sometimes life is easier said than done, but it can be done
-i'm not who i want to be, but i'm headed there
-my spirit is strong
-what i want to be when i grow up: happy

so, thank you for 2013.
i can hardly wait to see what 2014 has in store for me.
but let's have christmas first!

i'm just me

i'm the guy that's going to tell you what i think you need to hear
even if it's not my place.
i'm the guy that sees through fake
i believe in truth.
i value honesty.
i believe in truth, even when it's uncomfortable
i value honesty, even when it hurts
i suck at timing.
i'll be the one pleading for rationality
but i'll still choose irrationally.
i'm the guy who will say what i think (rational & irrational alike)
no matter who's feelings are at stake.

and i'm sorry. sorry if i've caused hurt.
i've got these strengths that become weaknesses.

but i can't apologize for being who i am.
i'm learning to let me be me without apologizing.
i'm just still learning how to let you be you without apology.

gatsby

sometimes i actually pause for a significant time and look back on different times in my life. it's nice when my mind stumbles upon a pleasant time (or at least the pleasant parts of a particular time) and i can't help but smile and marvel and the person i was. sometimes the past seems so far away from the present. like almost as if the past lies, in some backwards way, ahead of where i am now. like that particular version of jacob is more advanced than this one.

what i'm saying is that sometimes it feels like i've lost my way. how did i get on this particular path? what happened to that jacob back there?

but the beautiful truth is that life inherently moves forward. new life comes with every breath. and we can't go back even if we try with everything in us.

i like to think that ultimately it doesn't matter how i got on this path - doesn't matter if, indeed, i lost my way off a certain path on which i was once journeying. what matters is where i go from here. who will i choose to be today? what will i place value on right now?

and in the end, it's all the same path - winding like a river to the ocean.

hold on

and no matter where we run,
and no matter what we do,
you hold on to me,
and i'll hold on to you.

small shoes

i grew up wearing shoes that were too big.
my mom always bought shoes that were a size or two too big so that i could own a single pair of shoes for longer than 4 months or whatever. i could grow into them. i think my mom always overestimated how fast my feet grew though, because my shoes would always fall apart before they became too small. i guess i just started to believe that this was how shoes were supposed to fit - all loose and floppy.

when i became a man, i put away childish things. i started buying my own shoes. and i bought them big. loose and floppy.

i think all anyone wants in life is to find a pair of shoes that really fits well and feels good on their feet. how satisfying is a life spent wishing you had bigger feet or squeezing your feet into a shoe that's too small?

also

my mom is a thin as a rail. my dad... thin as a rail. both of them for reasons more than just 'that's the way they're built.' whatever the case may be, i have consequently been built... pretty thin. (i don't want to say "rail" but still...)
as a result, it's difficult to find t-shirts that fit me well. either it's too short, or too wide, or too something. most of my shirts leave me feeling like i wish i was a bit bulkier. some of my shirts fit me in some places and end up feeling too small for me in others.

i think all anyone wants in life is to find t-shirts that fit them really well and helps them improve how they feel about themselves. how satisfying is a life spent wishing you filled out your shirts more or putting up with unwanted midriff?

what if?

i'm very accustomed to asking myself, "what if everything goes wrong?" and then proceeding to imagine all the many things that could possibly go wrong. these imaginations seems so real that i begin living my life like they are inevitable.

i'm so tired of living life that way.

"what if everything goes right?"
imagine that.
live that way.

i've created a monster

and you gotta feed the monster
-but sometimes you run out of food.
and if you don't feed the monster,
the monster will eat you.
                        - nolan richardson

gentle

i think this is really true that none of us really knows what we're doing in this life. ultimately none of us have lived this life before. we don't get a practice run. we're just figuring out ourselves and each other as we go.

this idea leads to another. why not be a little more gentle with ourselves? the choices we've made were made in a moment. and unfortunately sometimes moments come and go faster than we notice. each moment that we experience is completely new and unexplored territory. it would be silly to expect that we should never make a mistake when feeling out new experiences. so be more gentle with yourself.

and then, why not be more gentle with each other? we're all in the same world. i'm just like you and you're just like me. 

so many thoughts, so few words

sometimes there is wisdom in not saying what you feel like saying. there is sometimes greater virtue, i believe, in the holding in of the multitude of thoughts than there is in the few words we choose to utter; there is greater strength in knowing what to hold in, bearing the burden of unspoken words, than in what to say. adding to that virtue is the fact that no one but you will ever know the choices you've struggled to make - the thoughts and feelings you've swallowed for the sake of another. perhaps these invisible choices have more to say of our character than the deeds that can be witnessed. because the only truly invisible arena is the arena of our thoughts. you're the only one who will ever know what goes on in your heart. and somewhere between your heart and your mouth, lies a great amount of character.

also

i have this thought i've been struggling to put words to: when you pour water out on top of something, you can always count on it taking a particular path - the path of least resistance. water has nothing to go on except for what is immediately before it, and yet it knows just what direction to turn in each moment.

this is an imperfect analogy, but the point is, you and i are just like water. i don't think any one of us knows what the hell we're doing. we're just following an ingrained set of directions (call them instincts) moment by moment. i believe we can trust this innate wiring nearly implicitly. i believe each of us have been created, formed, and hard-wired to know what is best for us. and this is our goal - to connect with who we were created, formed and hard-wired to be.

if we can accomplish this goal, we can trust that life can deliver any sort of challenge our way and we will know how to navigate it. we won't have to worry that something wont work out. everything will work out in the end.

now, that's not to say we wont make choices that cause us pain, for that is part of life and living. the only thing we need to guard against is that a fear of our pain doesn't cloud our vision or hold us back from choosing the path we know we should travel. but then again, if fear holds us back from that path, then perhaps we're not ready yet to take that path.

we will inevitably make mistakes, but we don't have to fear that process. mistakes help to open our eyes wider to see more of life itself. water always finds its way to wherever it's going. and so will we.

don't you see, oh soul of mine? this life is a beautiful gift and i am fearfully and wonderfully made. worry has no great valuable position in my thoughts. instead gratitude and appreciation are due.

the language of a certain heart

(i've written bits about this before, but i still don't quite have it in my minds grip.)

i'm listening to Beethoven's Piano Sonato No. 30 in E Major (particularly the third movement) and i'm imagining him with the legs sawn off a piano and his face pressed to the same ground as the piano sits. "beethoven wasn't born deaf"

it's so beautiful it almost hurts my heart. how deeply beethoven must have felt. what must it have been like to have borne these notes in his heart - so simple, so pure and so poignant.

real music is such a mysterious and profoundly beautiful thing in my ears. i don't even fully understand it. i can only say that when i really hear it, when it really pierces beyond my thoughts to unconscious, it grabs me. and i feel it.

what a gift, music is. what a gift is the ability to experience it. there is nothing else like it.

the things we inherit

one time i was talking to a dear friend about the different faults we find in ourselves and how we like to blame our parents for them. and, to a degree, rightly so. we "inherit" baggage from our parents in one way or another and there's little we can do about it besides accept it and try to play with the hand we've been dealt.

but then, he added something that has stuck with me. he noticed how he focused so much on the bad cards in his hand that he was at risk of missing the very good cards he held too. the things we "inherit" from our parents aren't exclusively negative (and for some people it should be pointed out that they're not exclusively positive either... everyone's imperfect). in fact, there are some things that my parents gave me that i've come to value and be grateful for.

i inherited a tendency to always wonder why from my dad.
i inherited an ability to feel things deeply from my mom.
i inherited a mistrust of inauthenticity from them both.
i inherited a value of physical health from my mom.
i inherited my sense of humor from my dad.
i inherited intelligence from both of them.

if it weren't for my parents (humor me on this one... i mean without my parents i'd obviously have never been born, but that's not the point) i wouldn't have a tendency to self-doubt, focus on negativity, mistrust people, etc., but i also wouldn't have become who i am that is so much more than self-doubt, negativity, and mistrust.

what it feels like

the funny thing about life is, unless you live it, you never really know.

you can hear a thousand times a story told,

but you never really know what it feels like.

some of the things you would never want to feel

you don't know a mistake until you've made one,

until you've carried the weight of remorse in your heart,

until you collapse beneath it.

you don't really know the bottom until you've hit it,

until gravity has held you captive there,

and your strength is not enough.

you don't really know love until you've fallen in it,

thrown caution to the overwhelming windstorm,

until you can't imagine life any more complete.

you never know beauty until you behold it,
until you've felt the utter inability to think or speak,
and it beholds you,

you never really know life until you live it.

and so the only life you can ever know is your own.

and that's a beautiful truth.

(live your life. feel it all the way through. you are the only one who can.)

strava syndrome

so i guess strava is a word from another language and it translates to english as basically "strive"
anyway...

strava taught me something about myself recently. it helped to show me something lurking in the shadows of my heart - the places i'm usually too intimidated to explore.

i'm embarrassed to admit at this moment that i'm unconsciously competitive. i once joked about it to my friend jordan: "that's why i'll always have an edge over you... because i have some need to beat you. i don't just want to win, i need to." while that was said in jest several months ago, it's become scary to me how true that actually is. it's so severe, in fact, that i don't think it matters who i'm "competing" against, or even if we're competing at all. i once wrote a blog about how much fun i had playing dodgeball against a bunch of grade-schoolers... and destroying them.

i don't think i've ever learned how to take "losing" on the inside. as a matter of fact, the more this issue came up, the more i began to see. if i ever feel like someone is competing with me or measuring themselves against me (whether they actually are or not), then up comes this beast from my heart who's only goal is to beat the other person as badly as possible, whatever it takes. it doesn't matter if they're my equal; i don't care if they're young or old, male or female, i just want to squish them like an annoying bug under my thumb.

the only way i've handled this in my life so far is to suppress my competitive spirit and avoid sports that i can't win. however, recently three things have pushed this issue in front of my face and motivated me to  attempt to deal with the beast:

1) i've been losing a lot lately in softball. softball, a sport i'm supposed to be good at (says me) because baseball was the only sport i ever played growing up. i started noticing that i couldn't manage to "lose" a game and not let it ruin my night. i would be upset and feeling bad about myself all evening long. "how ridiculous am i?" i wondered each week.

2) i started training for a half-marathon with olivia. (this one i'm ashamed to admit) i've noticed since we've been on the same training plan that i sense that olivia compares herself to me and then... up comes the beast without me really noticing... not really noticing, that is, until... i start hurting feelings. when olivia called me out and pointed my attention at the issue, i started putting two and two together.

3) strava. i started noticing i only like to post to strava when i'm feeling fast. if i'm slow i judge myself. if someone takes my cr, i silently criticize them in my mind.

when i look at all three of these scenarios in the same light and connect them then it becomes clear what's going on. and truthfully, i'm happy that this has come to light. now that i see, i can attempt to begin to live a more mindful life in that area.

it's okay for me to want to perform and enjoy success. but when that success becomes a need - attempting to fill some lack i feel deep in my heart - that's when it becomes unhealthy. when i start taking people i care about for granted and hurting their feelings for the sake of satisfying that need... well that's just unacceptable.

i'm sorry for anyone in my life, past or present, who has fallen victim to this mindless behavior.

(feels good to get this stuff off the chest in some way sometimes)

take it in, instead of write it down

big boy pants

there comes a point when whining and complaining about things you wish were different is no longer helping anything and, in fact begins to hurt things - yourself and others included.

a trend i've noticed in myself lately is to piss and moan about how stupid my professors are, or how they're doing a horrible job at teaching me anything of value. i tend to interpret their pathetic attempts at education as attempts to manipulate me and make me afraid that if i don't study, i'll fail or even worse become a horrible therapist. so my response lately has been to let this have too large an effect on my attitude. i choose not to study hard so as to stick it to them - as if i feel the need to assert myself against their efforts to control my life. and instead of studying i just bitch about dumb it is that we're expected to try so hard to learn this meaningless stuff. i focus on how it "wasn't fair" for a teacher to ask certain questions on the tests and quizzes because "i'll never need to know the four components of whatever-it's-called in correct order word for word." etc. blah blah blah.

i want to believe that their rather annoying teaching style justifies my attitude of not even trying. it's like my way of standing up against the status quo. i stand myself on a pedestal and state confidently, "i don't think i should have to put myself through this meaninglessness solely because you say so! i'm not afraid to fail this class if i have to in order to make myself heard." i'm rebelling against the idea that we have to do what we're told for no other reason than we were told to do it. but lately i make this statement loud and clear at the cost of my own reputation and even grades. often as a result of this attitude my classmates and even my teachers perceive that i don't care about things that i "need" to care about in order to be a good therapist.

i was talking to a very smart and very beautiful girl about this and she pointed out some powerful truths that got me thinking. while i may feel noble in my attempts to stand up for what i believe in, i'm also making some astounding claims in the process. for example, it would seem that i'm claiming that i know how to become a physical therapist better than my teachers. beyond that claim though, a more damaging effect is being had.

i'm allowing these external things rob me of actually trying to learn the things i initially wanted to learn of my own accord in the first place!

ladies and gentlemen, this ought not be so.

i think the time has come to stop whining. it's time for me to put away childish things and just focus on what i want to learn and why i want to learn it. i can't let stupid professors get in the way of that. and i can't let having to occasionally memorize details i don't care about keep me from learning the details i do care about.

the next time you hear me complaining text me a link to this entry.

as for you, dear reader: remember your heart's purpose. don't let anyone rob you of it... not even yourself.

one more thing

i'm trying not to blame you - to judge you
after all i basically dared you to do it day after day
the only thing i know about you is that you stole my bike.
why? WHY?!
you came into my yard. walked all the way right up to the front door of the house and walked away with my bike.
do you even realize how far that bike has come. do you realize what that bike means to me?
i put a lot of time and energy into building that bike into exactly what it is and i had more plans for it for the future.

i'm trying not to feel this way, but if i see you, i will fight you.

watch the sun as it comes up

it's so easy to enjoy this present moment when it is so pleasant. kind of like loving your friends, or the ones that love you... someone once said, "love even your enemies" and i say, embrace the beauty of this moment even when it's overwhelmingly ugly.

easier said than done, but worth the struggle in the end.

Two things...

Something I hope I never understand is people who steal other people's things. Like directly from another person. I mean I've stolen a spoon or two from many an unsuspecting over-priced restaurant, and I hate to admit I recently stole from stater bros. but I don't think I could understand taking something that belongs to someone else - something they bought with money they earned or somethin they were given by someone who loves them - as if it were theirs for the taking or something. As if the other person deserved to be stolen from for trusting the people around him to be decent people... I don't know. Maybe I'm being a little hypocritical, but to the person who stole my iPod:

 "I hope you enjoy those headphones! I overdrew my bank account to buy those ten dollar things. I hope you appreciate that orange color as much as me. I hope orange is your favorite color and every time you use that iPod you think about how much you like it. I hope you get angry at yourself when you drop it from your jacket pocket and put a new scratch in its pretty side, as you rub your thumb over the jagged spot wishing your rubbing could correct the gash. I hope you carefully wrap the headphones around it after each use being cautious not to pull on the cable where it plugs in. I hope you occasionally wipe all the smudges and fingerprints off of it just to admire it sitting on your bedspread before a jog. I hope you spend hours picking only the best of your favorite music to fill it with and just a little new music for when you're feeling like something new. I hope you love it... And then I hope someone STEALS IT FROM YOU, you slimy sticky-fingered son-of-a-bitch!!"

 No, I don't wish that on anyone. Ever again... i guess. I wish we could live in a world where no one possessed anything. That way nothing could be stolen - just shared. Anyway, my silverware pilfering days are over. But just so we're clear here, I write my own rules, thank you very much. And I cherish that fluid process.


 Secondly, I think I would like to take a trip somewhere more desolate real soon. Preferably the mountains. My soul has been hungering for some nourishment and my iPhone just isn't cutting it. I need a tangible reminder that all this stuff isn't necessary. All the possessions and grievances and annoyances. I don't need them, so why do I cling to them? Maybe it's because I forget that I don't need them. I get too possessive - too territorial. We're all in this together in one way or another. I would like to only be helpful to the people I come in contact with - Leave my baggage behind. I want to forgive and be forgiven. To love and be loved. I don't need a parking spot to accomplish that.

 Sincerely,

 Jacob

drrkinh s gtinh got yhr rnf og yhr eotlf

i found this the other day on craigslist and i love it:

"I am a Paul Simon fan in my mid thirties. As my name is Al, for the past 20 years I've been searching for a friend named Betty with whom I could sing the Paul Simon song "You Can Call Me Al." Imagine how much fun we could have singing along with the lyrics and pointing at each other when our names are mentioned! We could sing it together on road trips with the windows down, at home with our stereos cracked loud, we can smile at each other knowingly when it's played in gas stations and grocery stores and text each other when we're apart and it comes on the radio. I'm especially looking forward to acting out our own version of the classic Paul Simon Chevy Chase music video. We can post it on Youtube!" 

"... If you want we could maybe sing other Paul Simon songs at some point but I'd really rather we stick with our namesakes You Can Call Me Al. Of course I want proof your name is really Betty so when we meet I'll need to see a state issued photo ID with that name. I'll also accept Elizabeth, Roberta or Beatrix." 

"Please write back soon I can't wait to hang out 
Sincerely 
-Your long lost pal!!!" 

moment of clarity

may all beings be well
may all beings be happy
may all beings be at peace

may all beings be free

one more time

if you ask me one more time if i'm "ok to present,"
i'm going to slap you in the face - i swear
i don't know who you guys think i am
i don't know what you assume i'm doing here in million-dollar PT school
if you think i'm completely incompetent
if you think i don't care about anything
you're wrong
and
you're annoying

sometimes

sometimes i get tired of trying so hard to be clever.
meticulously organizing my words on the page like a lit.. oh whatever.
who really cares anyway.
it's like i have this idea of the kind of person people tend to like.
and i want people to like me too... wah wah wah.

sometimes i just want to tell people,
"oh, that's how it's going to be? then you can go **** yourself."

but i don't say that out loud.
instead i choose not to act on those feelings.
i recognize they're just feelings.
feelings probably based on preconceived ideas of my own invention.
and that, my therapist claims, is what matters the most.

and by "my therapist" i mean albus dumbledore.
or something like that.

"It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities."

put a bird on it

sometimes the ensemble of birds singing outside my window
is the most beautiful sound i could ever hope to hear.

(as if all music could have descended from their melodies)

and i close my eyes and try to absorb it
beyond my ears into some inner place

humility

i feel so entitled to so many things so very often.
if i'm "deprived" of what i feel i deserve, then i feel like someone has stolen my ability to be happy and committed an egregious wrong against me. i feel totally justified in feeling like my world is a poor place to live.
 impatient when my phone drops a call or fails to send a message four times in a row.
 upset when someone judges me.
 taken advantage of when i have to pay over four dollars per gallon for gasoline.
 start seeing red when i hit every red light on the way to the coffee shop.
 pushed around when i have to do extra busywork for some class.
i could go on.
then i see someone who has so little of what i feel so indignantly entitled to... and yet they are overwhelmingly grateful. they're the ones who see true value. these are the ones who see sunsets.
and i'm struck silent.

i'm humbled by a realization.
i've grossly taken for granted all the beautiful gifts i possess.
and in gratitude's place i find discontent and resentment.

i have so much.
i have three people i consider my parents who each love me in a way no one else could
 a few dollars in my pocket
 legs that run when i tell them to
 eyes to see flowers, mountains, smiles, and beauty
 family that i know would have my back if shit went down
 friends that see the value in my unique humanity
i could go on.
life is a precious gift. i take a minute to really feel it flowing through me and things seem back in order.

hashtag

i do believe there is an angry, violent thing inside of me.
occasionally something stirs in me and i want to physically destroy whatever is in my hands.

i want to throw my phone against a wall so hard that i hurt my shoulder. then i want to stomp it so hard that i crack the tile underneath it. pick it up and throw it again.

i want to lift my bike high over my head and heave it onto the rocks in the ditch. pick it up by the wheel and swing it around like a giant discus and launch it into oncoming traffic.

tense every muscle to the point of ripping them from their origins and insertions and screaming till my vocal cords fail.

instead i just wait a moment and the feeling passes.

isn't that hilarious?

words with value

"me too"