small shoes

i grew up wearing shoes that were too big.
my mom always bought shoes that were a size or two too big so that i could own a single pair of shoes for longer than 4 months or whatever. i could grow into them. i think my mom always overestimated how fast my feet grew though, because my shoes would always fall apart before they became too small. i guess i just started to believe that this was how shoes were supposed to fit - all loose and floppy.

when i became a man, i put away childish things. i started buying my own shoes. and i bought them big. loose and floppy.

i think all anyone wants in life is to find a pair of shoes that really fits well and feels good on their feet. how satisfying is a life spent wishing you had bigger feet or squeezing your feet into a shoe that's too small?

also

my mom is a thin as a rail. my dad... thin as a rail. both of them for reasons more than just 'that's the way they're built.' whatever the case may be, i have consequently been built... pretty thin. (i don't want to say "rail" but still...)
as a result, it's difficult to find t-shirts that fit me well. either it's too short, or too wide, or too something. most of my shirts leave me feeling like i wish i was a bit bulkier. some of my shirts fit me in some places and end up feeling too small for me in others.

i think all anyone wants in life is to find t-shirts that fit them really well and helps them improve how they feel about themselves. how satisfying is a life spent wishing you filled out your shirts more or putting up with unwanted midriff?

what if?

i'm very accustomed to asking myself, "what if everything goes wrong?" and then proceeding to imagine all the many things that could possibly go wrong. these imaginations seems so real that i begin living my life like they are inevitable.

i'm so tired of living life that way.

"what if everything goes right?"
imagine that.
live that way.

i've created a monster

and you gotta feed the monster
-but sometimes you run out of food.
and if you don't feed the monster,
the monster will eat you.
                        - nolan richardson

gentle

i think this is really true that none of us really knows what we're doing in this life. ultimately none of us have lived this life before. we don't get a practice run. we're just figuring out ourselves and each other as we go.

this idea leads to another. why not be a little more gentle with ourselves? the choices we've made were made in a moment. and unfortunately sometimes moments come and go faster than we notice. each moment that we experience is completely new and unexplored territory. it would be silly to expect that we should never make a mistake when feeling out new experiences. so be more gentle with yourself.

and then, why not be more gentle with each other? we're all in the same world. i'm just like you and you're just like me. 

so many thoughts, so few words

sometimes there is wisdom in not saying what you feel like saying. there is sometimes greater virtue, i believe, in the holding in of the multitude of thoughts than there is in the few words we choose to utter; there is greater strength in knowing what to hold in, bearing the burden of unspoken words, than in what to say. adding to that virtue is the fact that no one but you will ever know the choices you've struggled to make - the thoughts and feelings you've swallowed for the sake of another. perhaps these invisible choices have more to say of our character than the deeds that can be witnessed. because the only truly invisible arena is the arena of our thoughts. you're the only one who will ever know what goes on in your heart. and somewhere between your heart and your mouth, lies a great amount of character.

also

i have this thought i've been struggling to put words to: when you pour water out on top of something, you can always count on it taking a particular path - the path of least resistance. water has nothing to go on except for what is immediately before it, and yet it knows just what direction to turn in each moment.

this is an imperfect analogy, but the point is, you and i are just like water. i don't think any one of us knows what the hell we're doing. we're just following an ingrained set of directions (call them instincts) moment by moment. i believe we can trust this innate wiring nearly implicitly. i believe each of us have been created, formed, and hard-wired to know what is best for us. and this is our goal - to connect with who we were created, formed and hard-wired to be.

if we can accomplish this goal, we can trust that life can deliver any sort of challenge our way and we will know how to navigate it. we won't have to worry that something wont work out. everything will work out in the end.

now, that's not to say we wont make choices that cause us pain, for that is part of life and living. the only thing we need to guard against is that a fear of our pain doesn't cloud our vision or hold us back from choosing the path we know we should travel. but then again, if fear holds us back from that path, then perhaps we're not ready yet to take that path.

we will inevitably make mistakes, but we don't have to fear that process. mistakes help to open our eyes wider to see more of life itself. water always finds its way to wherever it's going. and so will we.

don't you see, oh soul of mine? this life is a beautiful gift and i am fearfully and wonderfully made. worry has no great valuable position in my thoughts. instead gratitude and appreciation are due.