Sunday, August 23, 2015

dear so-and-so

life's a funny thing. in all that's happening i feel at once a strong desire to truly live my life while i'm alive as well as a reflex to withdraw from it and hide. feeling shaken, guilty, lost, alone, abandoned, and scared, all while trying to remain positive about the future and secretly harboring a great fear of failing.

it makes me think of that quote from some movie trailer we both saw and liked (i think it was transformers or something): "fate seldom calls on us at a moment of our choosing." i feel like with all this burden i bear, it is up to me and me alone to stand up under it. to step forward despite my fear. maybe this is growing up? maybe these are my defining moments. where i choose what kind of man i want to be and what kind of life i want to live.

but man! it's hard! i keep looking around for someone to be there to help me, but find no one. and maybe that's the point. maybe that's when you become a man, when no one is there to help you and you're forced to find a way to do it on your own power - to find out what you're truly capable of. maybe this is my modern rite of passage into manhood. this is me hunting a bear alone with nothing but my hands.

i feel that i lack courage. and yet i know that courage is innate. it doesn't come from anywhere but inside me. so the moments i doubt myself, doubt my courage, are the very moments that courage is born.