I stood on top of the mountain today with my face turned toward the wind and shouted. I looked up at the sky and screamed, "is that all you got?!" and i felt something churn in my heart. It was like the words took on an intensity I didn't intend for them to take. Like something in me wanted to confront the darkness that has haunted me and my family.
It was a type of genuineness I haven't felt in a while. And it shook me. I looked down at the horizon and then over at the guy standing with me and laughed nervously, hoping he didn't notice.
Sunday, December 20, 2015
Saturday, December 5, 2015
rubber ball vs. gravity
there are times when my whole mind, my whole being twists up and fights against this notion that
"losing is something we all do in life."
when i was six, i lost my favorite jean jacket. i left it in a restaurant or something on the side of the highway somewhere.
when i was seven i lost my cat. he was black and had a kink in his tail. he got hit by a car on the street.
when i was eight i lost my pet rabbit. my mom's siberian husky...
when i was ten i lost my favorite dog. we gave him away because he was a trouble maker.
when i was 22 i lost my grandmother, ruth. she was my ally. always giving me delicious fruit and telling my mom to be nice to me. she fell asleep one night and didn't wake up.
but i'm not writing a sob story. i mean, we all lose. it's part of life. we learn to live with it. we learn to let go. we find a way to say goodbye to the things we thought we'd always have.
but when i was 28, i lost my dad. on the verge of a bright future, he left me.
and my heart won't accept it. i can't concede, in this case, that "losing is something we all do in life." there's no part of that statement that sits well in any way. my heart contorts and tenses up. as if, letting the thought inside would mean admitting it's okay somehow. and yet the second hand keeps moving. i have to get dressed. go to work. life doesn't let up.
then eventually there are days when i'm too tired to keep fighting it. and i crumple underneath it. my shoulders slump, my eyes burn, and my heart feels broken. and yet i feel a sense of rest that is somehow comforting.
i think the point is that, no matter how hard i fight, the truth remains as solid as the planet on its path through the universe. losing really is something we all have to endure.
but i'll still fight. in the same way that a rubber ball bounces against gravity when it hits the ground.
"losing is something we all do in life."
when i was six, i lost my favorite jean jacket. i left it in a restaurant or something on the side of the highway somewhere.
when i was seven i lost my cat. he was black and had a kink in his tail. he got hit by a car on the street.
when i was eight i lost my pet rabbit. my mom's siberian husky...
when i was ten i lost my favorite dog. we gave him away because he was a trouble maker.
when i was 22 i lost my grandmother, ruth. she was my ally. always giving me delicious fruit and telling my mom to be nice to me. she fell asleep one night and didn't wake up.
but i'm not writing a sob story. i mean, we all lose. it's part of life. we learn to live with it. we learn to let go. we find a way to say goodbye to the things we thought we'd always have.
but when i was 28, i lost my dad. on the verge of a bright future, he left me.
and my heart won't accept it. i can't concede, in this case, that "losing is something we all do in life." there's no part of that statement that sits well in any way. my heart contorts and tenses up. as if, letting the thought inside would mean admitting it's okay somehow. and yet the second hand keeps moving. i have to get dressed. go to work. life doesn't let up.
then eventually there are days when i'm too tired to keep fighting it. and i crumple underneath it. my shoulders slump, my eyes burn, and my heart feels broken. and yet i feel a sense of rest that is somehow comforting.
i think the point is that, no matter how hard i fight, the truth remains as solid as the planet on its path through the universe. losing really is something we all have to endure.
but i'll still fight. in the same way that a rubber ball bounces against gravity when it hits the ground.
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