Monday, April 26, 2010

fear

when i think of infinite, i usually think of big. but what about infinitely small?

0.08 is pretty small.
0.00000000000000000008 is... really small.
0.00000000000000000001 is even smaller
0.0000[...insert infinity zeros here...]000001 is what i call infinitely small.

that's pretty profound. think about that for two minutes. i dare you. forever approaching zero and never, ever reaching it. a gap that can never be closed.
"infinitely small"

Thursday, April 22, 2010

-

iss the bess!

Monday, April 19, 2010

i did it again

i realized last night that i'm starting the fourth week of spring quarter.
shoot.

i've been waiting for spring quarter to start, saying things like, "pretty soon it's going to be nice like this every day." or "spring quarter is going to be so fun once it gets going." and i've been missing it as it's been slipping by.

this is it! nothing happens next. today is spring quarter. right now is spring quarter.

man, i need to get over this. this habit of waiting to really engage in life until it is what i expect it to be. it is what it is. right now.

"it's funny how life is seldom what you plan... don't let the panic bring you down"

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

i turned myself to face me

i like to think i believe that i am not a prisoner my past. i'm not bound to be the same person i've been.
but to take my life and make a change seems difficult at first. it takes real raw effort. like a ten pound slab of red bloody meat on the kitchen counter. just drop it out there like a huge stack of books on a table in the reference room.

i come barreling into this moment directly from the last one. to hope to change the outcome of this moment while it is happening is like trying to stop a freight train at a traffic light that just turned red. it's just not going to happen.

first of all, it's going to take time to slow that baby down. second of all, i love cough drops.

i can, however, make effort in this now, that will affect the next. and then make effort in that one that will affect the next. and so on and so forth. i can make concerted effort and create a better future for myself. i don't have to make the same mistakes in the future that i'm making now. but it is a pretty hefty stack of books.

Monday, April 12, 2010

today

it's like when you're rolling backwards on your bike.
you must either pedal backwards or remove your feet from the pedals.

Friday, April 9, 2010

...

it is very quiet.
i don't mind it.

there's something mysteriously nice about this.
my brain is too tired to think.
my body is too tired to move.
my world is too tired bustle.
and i am.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

music

there's a part of a piece of music written by this guy, rachmaninoff, where the orchestra fades away in a series of chords that they hold out softly in counterpoint to what's going on on the piano and then (so smoothly) it all comes to resolution and perfect harmony. there's a short breath and then the piano swells up with the softly played melody (in solo) and it's so beautiful, it's almost as if it breaks my heart. then the orchestra slowly joins the piano and they build and build and build until the full orchestra and piano are playing together and that melody returns in full strength and then, no matter what i'm doing, i have to stop. and listen. and feel.

it's amazing to me. music. there's no way i could communicate with words what is communicated in that music. it's a-whole-nother language.

i feel like i'm beginning to understand the language. but man! i would give almost anything to speak that language.

he may

there's a fly that's been buzzing in my room for the last few days.
i've never seen him stop and rest. he just keeps on buzzing.
he flies straight as an arrow for a random period of time then abrubtly changes directions in a split second and flies straight as an arrow in the new direction for a random period of time.
he does this constantly never leaving a the space at the center of my room underneath the light.
i watch him sometimes for just a few moments and i wonder if he's getting tired. or hungry. i think he must be. he never stops and there can't be much for a fly to eat in my room anyway.
but he continues to buzz around in his randomly methodical patterns.

today i saw my fly friend sitting on the door frame of my bathroom. just sitting in complete absence of motion. if the details of his legs, wings, eyes, and body weren't so intricate, i would have guessed he was fake. i watched him for a moment wondering if he was down there in his fly world panting, trying to catch his breath. then a moment later he was gone.