i turned myself to face me

i like to think i believe that i am not a prisoner my past. i'm not bound to be the same person i've been.

but to take my life and make a change seems difficult at first. it takes real raw effort. like a ten pound slab of red bloody meat on the kitchen counter. just drop it out there like a huge stack of books on a table in the reference room.

i come barreling into this moment directly from the last one. to hope to change the outcome of this moment while it is happening is like trying to stop a freight train at a traffic light that just turned red. it's just not going to happen.

first of all, it's going to take time to slow that baby down. second of all, i love cough drops.

i can, however, make effort in this now, that will affect the next. and then make effort in that one that will affect the next. and so on and so forth. i can make concerted effort and create a better future for myself. i don't have to make the same mistakes in the future that i'm making now. but it is a pretty hefty stack of books.