strava syndrome

so i guess strava is a word from another language and it translates to english as basically "strive"
anyway...

strava taught me something about myself recently. it helped to show me something lurking in the shadows of my heart - the places i'm usually too intimidated to explore.

i'm embarrassed to admit at this moment that i'm unconsciously competitive. i once joked about it to my friend jordan: "that's why i'll always have an edge over you... because i have some need to beat you. i don't just want to win, i need to." while that was said in jest several months ago, it's become scary to me how true that actually is. it's so severe, in fact, that i don't think it matters who i'm "competing" against, or even if we're competing at all. i once wrote a blog about how much fun i had playing dodgeball against a bunch of grade-schoolers... and destroying them.

i don't think i've ever learned how to take "losing" on the inside. as a matter of fact, the more this issue came up, the more i began to see. if i ever feel like someone is competing with me or measuring themselves against me (whether they actually are or not), then up comes this beast from my heart who's only goal is to beat the other person as badly as possible, whatever it takes. it doesn't matter if they're my equal; i don't care if they're young or old, male or female, i just want to squish them like an annoying bug under my thumb.

the only way i've handled this in my life so far is to suppress my competitive spirit and avoid sports that i can't win. however, recently three things have pushed this issue in front of my face and motivated me to  attempt to deal with the beast:

1) i've been losing a lot lately in softball. softball, a sport i'm supposed to be good at (says me) because baseball was the only sport i ever played growing up. i started noticing that i couldn't manage to "lose" a game and not let it ruin my night. i would be upset and feeling bad about myself all evening long. "how ridiculous am i?" i wondered each week.

2) i started training for a half-marathon with olivia. (this one i'm ashamed to admit) i've noticed since we've been on the same training plan that i sense that olivia compares herself to me and then... up comes the beast without me really noticing... not really noticing, that is, until... i start hurting feelings. when olivia called me out and pointed my attention at the issue, i started putting two and two together.

3) strava. i started noticing i only like to post to strava when i'm feeling fast. if i'm slow i judge myself. if someone takes my cr, i silently criticize them in my mind.

when i look at all three of these scenarios in the same light and connect them then it becomes clear what's going on. and truthfully, i'm happy that this has come to light. now that i see, i can attempt to begin to live a more mindful life in that area.

it's okay for me to want to perform and enjoy success. but when that success becomes a need - attempting to fill some lack i feel deep in my heart - that's when it becomes unhealthy. when i start taking people i care about for granted and hurting their feelings for the sake of satisfying that need... well that's just unacceptable.

i'm sorry for anyone in my life, past or present, who has fallen victim to this mindless behavior.

(feels good to get this stuff off the chest in some way sometimes)

take it in, instead of write it down