scars

when i was a kid my older brothers were both big fans of virginia cavaliers basketball. they loved it so much they decided to cut and bend a metal hanger into the shape of the v, then heat it up over the stove until it was visibly ret hot and press it into the sides of their arms. i remember watching them with a mixture of awe and confusion filling my eyes as they yelled out and pulled the oven mitt away and the pieces of hanger stayed stuck to the melted skin underneath.

in the days that followed, the wounds scabbed over. but my oldest brother insisted it wasn't good enough yet. he carefully picked the scab off so that the wound re-opened and would need to scab over again. once it did, he picked it right off. the purpose was to increase the size and depth of the scar. and to this day, he carries a broad v-shaped scar on his shoulder and he never forgets where it came from.



(i never understood the driving force behind this action until now. it's been said, perhaps too many times, that time heals all wounds. but what happens when you don't want to move on? what happens when you don't want to heal? because to heal means to let go of something you desperately hold on to in your heart. i don't want my wound to scab. i want to pick the scabs. i don't want to let go.)

warning

it's really difficult to process all the different emotions and thoughts that plague me in the wake of losing my dad. but i am going to begin to try to approach my thoughts and feelings here on my blog. ever since i started this web log, it has been the most effective way to take the upstairs neighbors (my thoughts) who stomp around in their steel boots and disturb and interrupt every thing going on in my life, and get them out/give them a vent so they stop stomping around so obnoxiously.

i'm not sure if this blog has any regular audience anymore, so these posts aren't really for anyone but myself, and yet i leave them public because if anyone was wondering what was going on inside my head, this is the most close to accurate resource there is. that being said, if you, reader, are a regular visitor of this site, consider yourself warned. you may want to take a short vacation from it.