big boy pants

there comes a point when whining and complaining about things you wish were different is no longer helping anything and, in fact begins to hurt things - yourself and others included.

a trend i've noticed in myself lately is to piss and moan about how stupid my professors are, or how they're doing a horrible job at teaching me anything of value. i tend to interpret their pathetic attempts at education as attempts to manipulate me and make me afraid that if i don't study, i'll fail or even worse become a horrible therapist. so my response lately has been to let this have too large an effect on my attitude. i choose not to study hard so as to stick it to them - as if i feel the need to assert myself against their efforts to control my life. and instead of studying i just bitch about dumb it is that we're expected to try so hard to learn this meaningless stuff. i focus on how it "wasn't fair" for a teacher to ask certain questions on the tests and quizzes because "i'll never need to know the four components of whatever-it's-called in correct order word for word." etc. blah blah blah.

i want to believe that their rather annoying teaching style justifies my attitude of not even trying. it's like my way of standing up against the status quo. i stand myself on a pedestal and state confidently, "i don't think i should have to put myself through this meaninglessness solely because you say so! i'm not afraid to fail this class if i have to in order to make myself heard." i'm rebelling against the idea that we have to do what we're told for no other reason than we were told to do it. but lately i make this statement loud and clear at the cost of my own reputation and even grades. often as a result of this attitude my classmates and even my teachers perceive that i don't care about things that i "need" to care about in order to be a good therapist.

i was talking to a very smart and very beautiful girl about this and she pointed out some powerful truths that got me thinking. while i may feel noble in my attempts to stand up for what i believe in, i'm also making some astounding claims in the process. for example, it would seem that i'm claiming that i know how to become a physical therapist better than my teachers. beyond that claim though, a more damaging effect is being had.

i'm allowing these external things rob me of actually trying to learn the things i initially wanted to learn of my own accord in the first place!

ladies and gentlemen, this ought not be so.

i think the time has come to stop whining. it's time for me to put away childish things and just focus on what i want to learn and why i want to learn it. i can't let stupid professors get in the way of that. and i can't let having to occasionally memorize details i don't care about keep me from learning the details i do care about.

the next time you hear me complaining text me a link to this entry.

as for you, dear reader: remember your heart's purpose. don't let anyone rob you of it... not even yourself.

one more thing

i'm trying not to blame you - to judge you
after all i basically dared you to do it day after day
the only thing i know about you is that you stole my bike.
why? WHY?!
you came into my yard. walked all the way right up to the front door of the house and walked away with my bike.
do you even realize how far that bike has come. do you realize what that bike means to me?
i put a lot of time and energy into building that bike into exactly what it is and i had more plans for it for the future.

i'm trying not to feel this way, but if i see you, i will fight you.

watch the sun as it comes up

it's so easy to enjoy this present moment when it is so pleasant. kind of like loving your friends, or the ones that love you... someone once said, "love even your enemies" and i say, embrace the beauty of this moment even when it's overwhelmingly ugly.

easier said than done, but worth the struggle in the end.