i found

i found myself skitting around between the living room, dining room and hallways chasing all the children i had produced. they were running in, around, out, and back in again. they would not stop running. i yelled, i grabbed, i spoke softly, i tried offering them treats. they continued sprinting. stress began to find a place in my person. tensing muscles, tightening chest, panicky mind.

we shared a...face

sometimes i want to loudly take credit for everything i can take credit for. just shout it out in people's faces. "you're welcome!" i just envision myself running around to all these people - "you know that "thing" you value so much? yeah, you're welcome." and then to another person, "hey you like that extra point on the quiz? you're welcome." 

nobody is saying thank you to me though. so then i'd come off as an angry little man with a mustache who feels taken for granted.

once in high school an off campus student spoke up in class about how much they needed home leave to come. i almost lost it. they thought they needed home leave?? "they go home every f-ing day!" i thought. if it weren't for us dorm students, living in prison every day of our lives, they wouldn't even have five day weekend every month or whatever it was. but no one was thanking me for putting the time in.

...

wow. maybe i am an angry little man with a mustache...

full heart (large and full)

is there nothing a full heart will not do for the ones that fill it?
i received a photo this morning of my precious niece that filled my heart so full i had to shut my eyes to hold in all the love i felt. still some of it leaked out through my eyelids, but it was just some of the overflow. my full heart swelled to fill my whole core and then my whole person and i swear to you, in that moment i would have LAID DOWN MY LIFE for her!
i felt whole.
THIS is it. this is what i live for. it's why i wake up in the morning.
i wonder if this is how jesus constantly lived his life - so filled up with love he could scarcely keep it in.
i want to cultivate this way of living life. i want to plant my tree next to this river and live.

let my heart be deeply moved and let not my doubts and fears inhibit me.

"lord, put love in my heart,
and stop short of ripping apart."
       -   aaron roche

Fitter Happier -Radiohead

more productive
comfortable
not drinking too much
regular exercise at the gym (3 days a week)
getting on better with your associate employee contemporaries
at ease
eating well (no more microwave dinners and saturated fats)
a patient better driver
a safer car (baby smiling in back seat)
sleeping well (no bad dreams)
no paranoia
careful to all animals (never washing spiders down the plughole)
keep in contact with old friends (enjoy a drink now and then)
will frequently check credit at (moral) bank (hole in wall)
favours for favours
fond but not in love
charity standing orders
on sundays ring road supermarket
(no killing moths or putting boiling water on the ants)
car wash (also on sundays)
no longer afraid of the dark
or midday shadows
nothing so ridiculously teenage and desperate
nothing so childish
at a better pace
slower and more calculated
no chance of escape
now self-employed
concerned (but powerless)
an empowered and informed member of society (pragmatism not idealism)
will not cry in public
less chance of illness
tires that grip in the wet (shot of baby strapped in back seat)
a good memory
still cries at a good film
still kisses with saliva
no longer empty and frantic
like a cat
tied to a stick
that's driven into
frozen winter shit (the ability to laugh at weakness)
calm
fitter, healthier and more productive
a pig
in a cage
on antibiotics

addendum

unfortunately, you can't always choose.
and sometimes even the drunkard gets injured.

drinking and driving

it's been said that in the case of an automotive collision involving a drunk driver, it's always the young sober valedictorian girl wearing her seatbelt who has the worst outcome. and the drunk driver escapes with minor scrapes and bruises.

you might think that's the universe's arbitrary way of teaching that poor young girl that life is just not fair. but i would disagree. it's all about choices.

who would you rather be? the sober responsible one getting crippled by the drunk, or the drunk guy who walks away relatively unscathed? i mean, leaving the burden of guilt aside, the choice is easy! if i'm gonna be in an accident involving drunk driving... i'd like to be that drunk driver. thanks.

app.

darkness has much to show

silence has much to say

if i could just listen

if i can open myself to it

life is beautiful