moment of clarity

may all beings be well
may all beings be happy
may all beings be at peace

may all beings be free

one more time

if you ask me one more time if i'm "ok to present,"
i'm going to slap you in the face - i swear
i don't know who you guys think i am
i don't know what you assume i'm doing here in million-dollar PT school
if you think i'm completely incompetent
if you think i don't care about anything
you're wrong
and
you're annoying

sometimes

sometimes i get tired of trying so hard to be clever.
meticulously organizing my words on the page like a lit.. oh whatever.
who really cares anyway.
it's like i have this idea of the kind of person people tend to like.
and i want people to like me too... wah wah wah.

sometimes i just want to tell people,
"oh, that's how it's going to be? then you can go **** yourself."

but i don't say that out loud.
instead i choose not to act on those feelings.
i recognize they're just feelings.
feelings probably based on preconceived ideas of my own invention.
and that, my therapist claims, is what matters the most.

and by "my therapist" i mean albus dumbledore.
or something like that.

"It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities."

put a bird on it

sometimes the ensemble of birds singing outside my window
is the most beautiful sound i could ever hope to hear.

(as if all music could have descended from their melodies)

and i close my eyes and try to absorb it
beyond my ears into some inner place

humility

i feel so entitled to so many things so very often.
if i'm "deprived" of what i feel i deserve, then i feel like someone has stolen my ability to be happy and committed an egregious wrong against me. i feel totally justified in feeling like my world is a poor place to live.
 impatient when my phone drops a call or fails to send a message four times in a row.
 upset when someone judges me.
 taken advantage of when i have to pay over four dollars per gallon for gasoline.
 start seeing red when i hit every red light on the way to the coffee shop.
 pushed around when i have to do extra busywork for some class.
i could go on.
then i see someone who has so little of what i feel so indignantly entitled to... and yet they are overwhelmingly grateful. they're the ones who see true value. these are the ones who see sunsets.
and i'm struck silent.

i'm humbled by a realization.
i've grossly taken for granted all the beautiful gifts i possess.
and in gratitude's place i find discontent and resentment.

i have so much.
i have three people i consider my parents who each love me in a way no one else could
 a few dollars in my pocket
 legs that run when i tell them to
 eyes to see flowers, mountains, smiles, and beauty
 family that i know would have my back if shit went down
 friends that see the value in my unique humanity
i could go on.
life is a precious gift. i take a minute to really feel it flowing through me and things seem back in order.

hashtag

i do believe there is an angry, violent thing inside of me.
occasionally something stirs in me and i want to physically destroy whatever is in my hands.

i want to throw my phone against a wall so hard that i hurt my shoulder. then i want to stomp it so hard that i crack the tile underneath it. pick it up and throw it again.

i want to lift my bike high over my head and heave it onto the rocks in the ditch. pick it up by the wheel and swing it around like a giant discus and launch it into oncoming traffic.

tense every muscle to the point of ripping them from their origins and insertions and screaming till my vocal cords fail.

instead i just wait a moment and the feeling passes.

isn't that hilarious?

words with value

"me too"